Message Replying To

From Amanda, Age 14

Ok this is realy personal to me and i just can't hold it in no more *cries* I know the reason why i'm so fat! I know the reason why i am depressed , and why i don't want to go to school or let other people see me. Because i am ashamed i feel like $hit... ok it all started when i was 6 years old. My mom had to work so she used to leave me with my neibor Maria ( who has 2 dauthers who were 2 and 3 years old at that time.. and she also had a husband) ok so my mom used to leave me with her until she came from work . It was all fine , i played with the girls and had alot of fun and then my mom picked me up when she came from work... But one day when my mom came to pick me up she was talking in the kitchen with our neibor Maria (my baby siter) and i was playing with the girls (the 2 and 3 year old ) then their father called me to their room. Since i was only 6 years old i didn't know any better and i thought since that was my friend's dad he was nice and wouldn't do nothing bad. how was i suppose to know he wasent up to good? So i went into the room and he told me to lay down on the bed *cries* and i did.. i didnt know what he was doing.. and he pulled down my pants and underware and he started putting his discusting tounge on my **** and putting saliva on it too . *cries* and i was suprissed and scared i didnt know what to do. i didnt know if what he was doing was bad . i felt uncomftorble... and i closed my eyes wishing it was all over or my mom would come but no one came and the 2 girls just stared there looking at what their father was doing.. innocently. i wanted to scream and call my mom but i was to scared i didn't want my mom to get hurt so i just stayed quiet and thank goodness my mom called me i felt releived and he told me to put my pants up and he told me to not tell no one. and i put them up and i runned to my mom and i told her i wanted to leave. i felt like a piece of $hit. i didnt know what happend to me i was confuzed and very scared to tell my mom. But i finally did when my momtold me to not let no one touch my private parts and to tell her everything. I then noticed that he did that to me and that that was a bad thing so i told my mom after a week.. atfirst she didnt beleive me but then she did. but she never took me to no phycologist or anything . i think she didnt want people to know what happend... now i am 14 and i am depressed and fat . i used food as a confort to help me not remember what had happend and after 8 years i still remember every detail but i thank god that i didn't lose my v!rg!n!ty. But now i am a failure in life . I want to forget it. i smack myself to see if i can forget it but i cant. And i am so fat i weight 250 pounds i am miserable and i want to change my life but i think about it and i dont want to be skinny and nice because i am afraid i would get r@ped . i am scared of boys i think they all want to r@pe me . My mom took me to a phycologist after all these years because i stoped going to school. She doesnt know why . she doesnt know that i feel this way . I am seeying a therapist and i am homeschooled i hardly ever go outside . the longest ive been indoors is a month and i also am an only child with a and my mom has no job and i have no father because he and my mom seperated when i was just a baby because he used violence on my mom . i feel abandoned and like no one cares. I use my fatness as a shield so boys wont be interested in me i am scared i dont want to be like this my whole life i want to be normal and grow up and marry and have normal relashionships and have children no one helps me i havent even told my therapist about all this. You guys here reading this are that only one that know.. I just wanted to get it out of me. And to warn you moms out there to please tell ur children right at a young age to not let no one touch them and to scream and to tell you everything. Now that i have talked it out. goodbye ~ Amanda ~