Message Replying To

From thalia, Age 17

Ht. 5'6", Start: 186 lb, Today: 186 lb, Goal: 135 lb - i've been thinking about my weight since i can remember. as a little girl, i've always enjoyed eating. i had a healthy appetite unlike my brother who always had a hard time eating. i was never overweight until recently but i always remember being called fat by my family, my mother and aunt especially. my mom was a personal trainer and she has like this beauty addiction. she's gone under the knife so many times and she's always watching her weight and working out, she even studied nutrition in college. my mom has never been fat though just like my brother she's always been almost sickly skinny. her obessesion with beauty eventually rubbed off on me. i always thought i was fat but the truth was i wasnt. i never got called fat by anybody outside of my mom and aunts and as i look back at pictures from before i realize that there wasnt a reason for me to feel insecure then because quite frankly i was a healthy girl. also to be honest, it isnt the best thing to take beauty advice from women who have had a ton of plastic surgery or who have suffered from bulimia. i didnt know that then so i let them get to me and i didnt appreciate the fact that i could run, i could jog, i could fit into any dress i wanted. that's not the case now. now at 186, i'm fat. now i'm overweight. now my health is at risk. i cant believe i let them get to me. one day i felt like everything didnt matter, that it didnt matter at all what i ate or did because i was going to be 'fat' anyways. so i let myself go, i ate what i wanted when i wanted. i ate things that i knew werent good for me. at first it was in spite of my mother but then it became in spite of me. the funny thing is that day i 'gave up' on myself, i weighed 123 lbs. i remember because the week before i had been in the hospital all week recovering from a blood infection and at the end of my stay they weighed me and i was 123 lbs. i had lost 12 lbs during my stay. i dont know why i thought i was fat at 123 lbs but i felt i was. that's why my goal weight ist 135, which is before my weight was really a problem and i was just fine. now i have a baby cousin and she's the most adorable things and i can see how she can end up like me. one of the things her sister likes to call her is 'lil fatty' when my baby cousin is only 2 yrs old. she isnt fat at all. she's an extremely healthy baby, she runs around and she plays. They dont see how when you grow up being called 'fatty' even if it is a nickname and the person who says it doesnt mean hurt you and says it lovingly can seriously screw up your body image and the way you see yourself in the mirror. i'm going to do my best, growing up she knows that she's just fine and she's beautiful. one thing i can see that will never change wether i'm at 123, 135, 186, or 250 is my confidence. i know i'm beautiful and smart and nobody can convince me other wise. i just need to get the body i deserve. a body that matches who i am in the inside.