Message Replying To

From Motivated, Age 19

Ht. 5'7", Start: 215 lb, Today: 205 lb, Goal: 150 lb - okay- so i've lost like 10lbs so far. it took a long time to finally get the ball rolling. i found out i really can't lose weight without counting calories- so i did and it's working. i'm a compulsive over eater- but i think it's less emotional now and more of a physical habit, so it's been easier lately sticking to my calories because i can deal with the physical addiction to food, just physical cravings, not as much of a mental dependancy. but i'm having one of those days where i feel like a beached whale. i biked to work and back even in 95 degree weather and ate 1275 calories of mostly very health foods, a lot of fiber and protein of course (fiber helps weight loss A LOT). but- i keep touching my body or looking down at it and tearing up, because i just have sooo much fat all over. i'm so disgustingly squishy- i can just sink my hands into almost all parts of my body inches and inches of blubber. i can't stand it. i want it off NOW. and i've been pretty amazing on my diet and exersize and i've lost like 3-4lbs this week, but i fell like it's not enough even though i know rationally it's great. i hope my weight loss will be the same this week and i can get under 200 soon and STAY under 200 FOREVER. i'm just so angry and frustrated- and don't know why i hated myself so badly to put on all of this weight. because that's what it is when i binge- it's hating myself and essentially abusing myself. it is so damaging physically and mentally and i hate living with the consequences. i never want to binge ever ever ever again- and i really don't think i will (btw- this huge shift in doing so well in my diet was actually caused by a binge/purge a week or so ago- i DO NOT usually purge AT ALL. it was not normal for me- and i NEVER WILL AGAIN because i do not want to damage myself. but that night really showed me how damaging it was and horrible, and that i wanted to go about this the right way so it will be permanent this time. i even broke blood vessels in my face from forcing so hard and that really really scared me). i just wish i could change my past...i know i can change the future- but it feels like my goals are so far away...i'm really disinheartened today even though i should be happy with my loss...it's just not enough.