~ IT GETS BETTER? ~

Hi. I'm Holly. I'm 5'5, 179 lbs, but at my heaviest I was 5'2 and 202 lbs. I'm going into 8th grade this September. Looking back at pictures, I've always been the biggest kid in my class, but it only really started bugging me in 6th grade. I started wondering why no boys had a crush on me, so I took a good look in the mirror and it just hit me. I'm fat. I tried, and tried to make the boys like me. When my friends hung out with them at recess, I'd go and laugh at all of their jokes. I tried to listen and engage with them, but then I realized I was making a fool of myself, so I just stopped trying. The summer after 6th grade, I got so depressed, I'd stay up until 2:00 am crying, and scrolling the internet looking at pretty girls who were 90 somewhat pounds. Then it was 4:00. Then 6:00. Every time I looked in the mirror, I felt like crying. When I started 7th grade. I told myself that I would be positive. It lasted a couple of months but I just ran out of steam. I was cleaning my room one day, and I found a diary from 6th grade. It was awful. It was full of things like " I hate myself." Or " I'm hopeless." The worst was "I wish someone would kill me, or maybe I'll just make myself sick until I die." This was 11 year old me talking. My friends are all thin, and perfect. The straight hair, no pimples, long eyelashes, small noses. And we have nothing in common anymore. I have glasses, braces, acne frizzy hair, and I'm about 40 pounds overweight. The kids on blubberbusters understand what it's like to have to carry the extra weight everywhere you go, but no one else that I know does. I always put on a smile, but inside I'm dying. My self esteem has hit rock bottom and I feel like I have more flaws then perfections. At my worst, I actually cut myself for the first time. I think my mental health is at risk, O really can't take it anymore. But overall the saddest part is that this is how some kids feel everyday just because they're part of the LGBT community or look different, or maybe have different interest or opinions feel everyday. Everyone says it gets better, but personally I think that's a load of bull. No one, and I mean NO one should feel the need to change who they are just because who they are doesn't live up to the norms of society. I might not be the most positive person in the world, but I do know that it's everyone else who needs to change, not us.